indescribable
It just dawned on me that I have not been considering how other people feel. I really only made the adjustments of accepting that everybody hurts. I mean, life has it's ups and downs for everybody and just because people are capable of counting their losses and moving on, and I refuse to do that, it doesn't mean that those people are honky dorey whatever they may be doing. If they married, their marriage could be on the rocks, if they're clubbing, they may be realizing their need for a higher ecstasy. Or, maybe people take drugs and/or drink to the point that their jobs are on the line. Life is hell, and compared to these scenarios, I guess my troubles are petty. In a nutshell, I have realized that I have become my worst nightmare. Imagine somebody you absolutely hate from your past and all of a sudden he/she tries to get back in you life. All you can think of when you think of that annoying person is
I'm riddled with guilt over either not recognizing somebody from my past, and/or imagining having seen her in somebody who only resembled her. But that's not all I'm so down on myself about. I'm angry at myself becuz I let her lead me on a leash, and when she dumped me, I swore to myself I would get her back. Well, now she's married with kids and I wouldn't want anything to do with her, and I'm angry at myself for that too. I could give a crap about her now. Around the same time all this went down, I found myself in a scuffle with somebody who I guarantee you if I saw again, I would break his neck. So, there you have it. Out of curiosity about my obsession with this one girl (whether I didn't recognize her one day, or whether I imagined her in somebody else), I am finally understanding that she must feel about me the way I feel about the assholes I've met up against way back when. And that I would like nothing more than to destroy him. What irony.